04-29-07 @ 9:14 am EDT

I'm feeling like shit. I have been for a long time. The few people I had thought might be the closest thing I have to friends don't seem to be around or give a shit anymore, and all there are are acquaintances with their own problems, whom I can't bother because I don't know them well enough. I thought friends were supposed to pick up on when each other is upset. I thought *I* could, but my offers of help are meaningless, and nobody else ever seems to pick up when I need them.

I'm quickly learning to be bitter, to not care about other people's feelings or situations, to be selfish. I'm learning that's the best way to be because why should I care how others feel? At the end of the day, it's just the Internet, and if I've learned anything it's that you don't make "real" friends here.

I'm getting fed up of caring how others feel and react, of offering a shoulder, of wishing someone would offer ME a shoulder (the people I EXPECT to are never around anymore), of putting so much effort into things that end up just being so much crap. I'm getting fed up of trying to be a nice person but still being alone at the end of the day because the people I thought might be friends have better things to do than ask how I'm doing.

So yeah, I'm selfish. And a hypocrite. But I did try for a damn long time. I think maybe Psychologist was wrong on this point (not that anybody off WDC even reads those entries anymore, apparently). After trying so frigging long and so frigging hard, to continue is just to batter my head against a wall. I think my original goal, of just not giving a fuck of what anyone thinks anymore, and of learning to be alone and getting used to it, is best.

Because it's stupid to expect anything else.

And I'm learning that it's stupid to post this on the Web and find out for sure that people don't give a rat's ass, so this'll probably be the last time I bother. I think some people have the right idea about the Internet--don't share yourself. If I'd never started this journal, or gotten to e-mailing people about my personal life, etc., I bet my life would be so much better. I never would have gotten the stupid idea that "Hey, maybe this person could be my friend." What a jackass I've been. I actually feel like spending less and less time online every day, and it's not like I'd be missing much.

I actually had stuff to share today, but now I don't feel like it because this is just the Net and at the end of the day, we're all just pixels on a screen and have better things to do with our lives than read people's online journals full of crap that doesn't affect our lives in the least. Maybe once I fully realize this, I will finally stop feeling like shit.