07-09-07 @ 1:12 pm EDT

Well, I do suppose I've put off writing this entry long enough.

Had an appointment with Psychologist on Tuesday, I believe it was. Dad had to drive me. It went surprisingly well; I talked a lot. In that session, at least, it felt like she "gets" me. Often I'll find her ending a long monologue with, "Does that sound crazy?" or "Am I completely off base here...?" and I'll shake my head because I got what she was saying merely a few words through and was just too polite to interrupt her. I do hope I'm not jinxing it just mentioning this >_< but that's how it went. What we talked about? Various things...cripes...most that wouldn't even have to seem to do with therapy. O_o I do recall that she again asked how my writing and drawing and photos were doing, and this ended up turning into a mini-lesson on fanfiction, fan art, and how a site like DA works, because she's not very Net savvy. We even briefly discussed the ethics of photomanipulation. Yes, that was kind of odd. But anyway, at some point the discussion turned toward my interest in mythology, which she hadn't really been aware of somehow, and (after informing her that Disney used the ROMAN spelling of the name Hercules in their movie, while everyone else had GREEK names) I explained that my interest was chiefly in Egyptian and Ojibwa mythology. She asked if Ojibwa mythology could really be called "mythology" or "Spirits...?"--she seemed to be struggling for a word. I kind of misunderstood her meaning and cut in.

"Well, some Ojibwa still believe in it, so to them, it's a spirituality. But I like to use the word 'mythology' to refer to their myths and legends. It doesn't necessarily mean 'lies'--it just means..." This time I struggled for a word, then said, "Like an archetype."

Fortunately she understood what I meant. Turns out, though, that she wasn't aware that a mythology that focuses on beings other than "gods" could be called "mythology," seeing as most Ojibwa mythological characters aren't gods per se but spirits. Ah. Well, perhaps when I used the word "archetype" that helped clear that up. I use the word "mythology" pretty fast and loose, but I never take it to mean "falsehoods" or "stuff primitive people just made up." To me, mythology is simply a system of archetypes--they can be true or not, but they're very powerful and hold a lot of resonance for a lot of people.

Anyway, this moved into her mentioning a patient of hers who's into similar things and felt much better after visiting with a "healer" who described the various properties of stones and colors (hm...I said nothing but this healer sounds like they might be a "wannabe"), and THIS led into me tentatively explaining how I myself feel on the matter. After she'd said how this experience her other patient went through seemed to be a sort of "turning point" for them, I gingerly said, "Well, it's kind of the same with me..." and I'll spare anyone reading this the trouble by just summarizing my history of first learning about Ojibwa myths from my visits to Mackinac Island, and then the writing of my serial, and my efforts at learning more, and how that then started to meld with my viewpoints until I got to where I am today. I described how I don't engage in any native rituals, as that could be not only dangerous but insulting, but I do offer tobacco (she wanted to know the specifics of that--what kind do you get?--do you just go to Wal-Mart and buy it?--and I explained how that went, ha ha), and believe there could be spirits all around us, in trees, rocks, lakes, etc. I described how many natives I've encountered online seem to loathe "wannabes" and how badly I hope not to come across as one, but yes, it's something I'd like learning more about, just from a proper source. (Learning from books isn't really considered proper--it's best to learn from an elder in real life, at least from what natives online have said.) Then I mentioned how, of course, viewpoints differ on such things since natives are just regular people with different opinions like everyone else. "Some of them were really insulted when they found out I write stories using their mythology," I explained, "but on the other hand some thought it was pretty interesting."

Okay, if your brain hasn't glazed over yet, this entry looks like it's going to turn into another of my longies despite my best efforts. x_x You can go now.

Anyway, Psychologist was quite surprised to hear all of this. As well as when I mentioned that this was one of the reasons why I love visiting the island so much. "Mackinac Island was--still is--a really important place to the Ojibwa," I said, "and when I go there...everything just feels 'right.' It's like nothing can go wrong. I feel so comfortable there, and closer to everything. I feel a bit of that at home, but not as much. And it has all of the stories around it--not like where I live--and I'm trying to feel more of that in everyday life, but so far it's been hard. But there, it's like I just feel connected. I can walk around for six, seven hours and feel perfectly happy."

"You walk on the island for six hours?" Psychologist asked.

I nodded. "I REALLY like it there," I admitted with an awkward smile.

"So when you go there it's almost like you feel...I think the word is a communion with things--?" and I nodded, even though, never having gone to church, I wasn't entirely certain what "communion" meant. But if it means feeling connected to things, then yes, I do.

Toward the end of all that she exclaimed that this was a whole side of me that she'd never even known about. (See what asking the right questions can lead to?) At one point she said, "I don't mean to insult you..." (I inwardly cringed) "...but you seem so--together and stable!" (I stopped inwardly cringing--wow, that was, TOTALLY the opposite of what I'd been expecting...) "I really get the feeling that, if you just had the right person to talk to, you could share all of these things, and not feel so lonely..."

I nodded vigorously. "I write to a few people online," I said, "but I just never feel like I can write about ANYTHING that interests me, without boring them to death...it's like I have to divide myself into two..." I struggled for words "...and here's the one half that replies to people, and comments on what they say, and meanwhile there's this whole other half that I can't talk about because I hate boring people."

"It's like you have to almost section parts of yourself off," Psychologist said, and I nodded.

"There's the part of me that REALLY wants to talk about my writing and mythology and MY interests and stuff, but those just aren't the things that other people are into, so I can't talk about that to anyone," I said. "The last time I had someone I could do that with was in junior high. Since then I have to keep it to myself, because otherwise I'd go ON and ON and ON and bore everybody...I don't mind chattering with people about what THEY'RE interested in, but I don't feel I can ever talk about what I'M interested in, and that gets frustrating."

But she hit the nail on the head right there, something I only just realized recently--I could be writing to a hundred people and I'd still feel lonely because I don't feel I can share my ENTIRE SELF with them (and they, in addition, could share their ENTIRE (similar, of course) SELF with me), hence I keep most of what I truly care about locked up inside and just don't get close to anyone. I dread the thought of boring someone or appearing horribly self-centered. I know how much I'd hate it if somebody dominated a conversation with what THEY'RE interested in. That's why I keep seeking people who are already into what I'm into, or try befriending the people who already say they like my writing, and why when I chatter with people in e-mail I still feel so disconnected because all we chatter about is daily life, stuff like that; I can't share intimate details of a story I'm working on because they'll have no clue what I'm talking about, and I can't share the latest thing I've learned about mythology because they won't care, etc. etc. So there are "two" me's, the polite go-along-with-it part that chatters with people online and really does try to be friends but usually fails, and the HUGE hidden part of me that I learned long ago to just keep locked away because people find it boring. Hence I come across as very uncommunicative when the truth is, hell, I have a LOT I'd like to communicate, it's just that 99% of other people either don't get it or aren't interested!

For the record, no, I don't like discussing my writing with people who aren't into it/haven't read it yet. That makes me feel self-centered and like the other person will have no clue what I'm talking about. Just so nobody thinks that asking me about my writing will make me feel better; it doesn't quite work that way. Basic beginner questions are okay, but I have nobody to discuss the really DETAILED stuff (e. g., "Here's a plot point I just came up for Part 189 of my third serial!") with.

Cripes, sorry about all that. I'm not mad or anything, just wanted to make sure I explained it right. Anyway. Psychologist understood. After all this I brought up the medication issue and asked if I could be weaned off the Lexapro due to my weight gain. She agreed to contact Psychiatrist to schedule a medication review, and I noticed that Psychiatrist must have anticipated this already as I got a packet of my psych records in the mail from Lawyer and in there is a comment by Psychiatrist that, if the Lexapro causes too much weight gain, I could be switched to Celexa or something. She did ask me a while back if I wanted to be weighed and I'd said no, but Nurse HAD to weigh me and that was when I learned just HOW MUCH I'd gained. (Gaw.) I told Psychologist that I'd be willing to go back on the Lexapro if I started to get depressed, but I had to admit, when she asked if I felt the clonazepam was helping, that I felt the meds weren't really doing much and it was simply coming in and TALKING that I felt helped the most. Anyway, we scheduled another appointment for next month and I guess that was that.

I felt really good after that appointment for some reason. Though I'm still feeling rather lonely, as I haven't heard from a few people in a while. *sigh*

Anyway yet again, on Saturday Ma and I went to Petoskey for a shopping day. I really wanted to look at books and CDs. I made a point of paying for all of my purchases on my own (Ma's an exact-change-counter, whereas I'm a "Break a twenty and get $19 in return because I can't do math in my head and I hate counting money and making people wait"-type of person), which sounds very trivial, but at least it was one thing. Even if I insisted on breaking $20s rather than attempting to get the right amount, just so I wouldn't draw it out. I got some CDs which I so far feel pretty bleh about (couldn't really find anything I terribly wanted so tried a few "This looks interesting" buys, which I'm usually not good at!), and some books. There were other books, for example dream dictionaries, and books on anxiety-coping techniques, and Knights Templar, which I whittled out because I already have a lot of dream dictionaries/I likely wouldn't utilize the techniques/they were mostly silly Da Vinci Code-inspired conspiracy theories or dull histories, so I ended up getting (some new, some used):

*Reading Rock Art: Interpreting The Indian Rock Paintings Of The Canadian Shield (from Indian Hills), because I want to learn more on the subject and they didn't have any about Great Lakes pictographs. *shrug*

*Mystery People Of The Cove: A History Of The Lake Superior Ouinipegou (from Indian Hills), because I've never heard of these people and it looked terribly interesting; perhaps they're the Copper Culture?? I do want to learn more about the Old Copper Culture but info is hard to come by...

*Haunts Of Mackinac: Ghost Stories, Legends, & Tragic Tales Of Mackinac Island (from Horizon Books), need I even bother explaining why?

*The Ladies Of Grace Adieu & Other Stories (from Horizon), as it's by the same lady who wrote Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, which I'm currently reading and it's a really good book. This was actually the first book I sought out and found almost immediately. I did browse the other fantasy books but WHY THE HELL DOES EVERY FANTASY WRITER WRITE SERIES STORIES?! I saw no omnibus editions of every book in a series so got none. Well, at least my longwindedness is in good company. BTW there was Harry Potter crap all over up the wazoo and I found that highly irritating. YES I JUST DISSED HARRY POTTER.

*The Everything Freemasons Book (from Horizon), because if I told you I'd have to kill you, nyar nyar. I WAS a little hurt when I half-jokingly showed it to Dad and he asked, "Why are you so interested in Masons?" as he was a Freemason himself. He asked it like he found my interest kind of stupid. :( I like their symbolism, to tell the truth. And even while I'm sure most of the stories are just silly legends, I like reading about those and hope to incorporate them in the D4D series someday. YES I JUST MENTIONED D4D.

*Fabulous Creatures & Other Magical Beings (from Horizon), because it just looked so interesting. OMG I'm so glad I got it! The whole book is laid out like a scrapbook or notebook with clippings and typed-up pages and ephemera of sightings of fabulous animals and such--so much fun!! Maybe I'll get some drawing ideas from it.

*In The Forest Fey (from Horizon)...not the type of book I'd normally get as I'm really not that into fairies and fey folk, but like the previous, it has such GORGEOUS pictures, and also, it's presented like it's fact; I have a book about unicorns similar to that, and so decided to get it. I really like it when fiction is presented like fact with photos and clippings and such to back it up, so interesting.

*Memories, Dreams, Reflections (from the Book Stop), because it's Jung's autobiography, and I've read such interesting things about it!

*Our Dreaming Mind (from the Book Stop), the one dreams book I DID buy, because it's a sort of exploration of the role dreams have played throughout history and in politics and literature and such, and I thought that seemed worth looking into.

*Mysteries Of The Unexplained (Readers Digest book) (from the Book Stop), because it has tons of different stories in it, and I really think it was donated/traded to the Book Stop because--get this--the entire book is UPSIDE-DOWN! I opened the cover and it was all the wrong way! *LMAO* Oh well, as long as all pages are there I'm happy.

So that was my catch in Petoskey. I also paid for one of Ma's beading books because she was torn about buying it and I hate seeing people disappointed. :(

I actually wish I was done with Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell so I could start on one of these or the numerous OTHER books I have lined up to read! *so indecisive*

I saw something so funny on DA early this morning, seems SS was feeling sorry for herself as usual and made the mistake of posting it in her journal, and got the usual ton of shoulder-pats from her fans, then she posted an entry rebuking people for commenting on the first entry, and some of the people who really like her got pissed off, then she of course deleted both entries and went off to pout in her chatroom. *LMAO!* Who the hell asks for comfort and then bitches people out for giving it?? Most people would KILL for half the support she got and then complained about and deleted. She would've whined if she HADN'T gotten it. *rolls eyes* I know I should not laugh at others' miseries but she brings it on herself. I see myself in her at times, and I do hope I can learn to act better not only toward others but also toward myself, better than she does at least. She manages to make me look sane. And I know from experience, not just observation, that she can be terribly rude to her fans (I was one, for a brief time). If I ever tell anyone who e-mails me to keep their e-mails shorter in the future they can feel free to bitchslap me back into humility.

And am still working on my drawing and reading...not so much writing, just yet, though I did finish the rewrite of Chapter 4 of Lucifer and started on Chapter 5...wow does Father Damien ever get into a long story in that... I also just finished sketching Theme 34/100, "Stars," which I believe will be entitled "In Animiki Land" and has Charmian and Nigankwam...it turned out better than I'd thought. I'm still not very good at bodily poses and hands and stuff but at least I can do facial expressions, I hope. Anyone motivated enough should go to my DA journal, click the link to my 100 Picture Challenge, and find the one entitled "A Voice Like Thunder!"--I had fun with the expressions in that one. ^_^

When I told Ma I was rewriting my story she said in shock, "But you can't do that!" Turns out she thought it was a cardinal rule of writing that you don't rewrite things. O_o ?? I asked her if she remembered her earliest beading projects (no), and if she felt she'd improved since then (yes); well, I said, it's the same thing. I look at my old writings and I see crap, so I make them better. I'm truly puzzled as to what made her think you're not supposed to rewrite things, but then again Ma's never cared about writing.

Oh. Now I remember what I forgot to mention. An old friend got in touch with me...Desirae...whom I shall from now on refer to simply as D. Anyone who's read about her in here before knows why I now type the emoticon -_-; First she surprised me with a message left on the answering machine, saying she'd like to get back in touch and leaving her numbers--I intended to write them down though I didn't really intend to call her back, since even though I'm no longer angry with her, there was some bad history and I felt it was best avoided--but my parents accidentally erased the message. Oh well. Well guess who Ma and I ran into as we were paying for the groceries at Wal-Mart Saturday evening. -_- Yep, it was D., with her FOUR KIDS. ! She was so thrilled to see me and asked if I'd gotten D Is For Damien published because it was such a good book? (Number one, BLARGH, THAT STORY SUCKS, and number two, since when had she read it??--I only remember Michelle, Dianne, and Eric V. reading it!--D. never showed any interest in my writing, that I can recall.) When I murmured no (I was staring at and fiddling with a button on my shirt the entire time) she was shocked; she asked if I'd written anything since then, and when she again asked and I said that I hadn't tried seeking publication she insisted that I should. (Eegh...shows how much she knows about my writing! That's not intended as an insult to her, just a comment on my skills. No one would publish any of this stuff.) She introduced her kids, asked if I still lived at the same place (when I said I lived with my parents she said, "Well, there's nothing wrong with that!" -_- ), and begged for my number. *sigh* If I'd been able to speak I'd've told her that I hate the phone and spend my time online, but I didn't really want to encourage her more, and she wrote the number down. She said we should really get together sometime, and her kids literally dragged her away and that was that. I think she said somewhere in there that she's divorced but I really couldn't tell. *shrug*

Why the hell do people say they want to get together with me?? I sit at home all day and read, write, draw, and surf nature photos online! I am perhaps the BORINGEST person there is to meet in person. In high school, even though I didn't really care for some of D.'s ideas of "going out," at least we had more in common and I was more outgoing. Now we have nothing in common. She doesn't even know about my anxiety (though she did mock it in high school...that was what led to our falling out, though I doubt she knows this) or my therapy or disability appeal or anything. Ugh. My idea of a fun time by now would be chattering about mythology or writing! And my idea of a fun outing is...walking around Mackinac Island! (Which D. and I admittedly did once together, though she seemed more interested in a couple of cute guys in town than in the island itself.) I'm a homebody, and I admit it now. I really don't LIKE getting out much, and I'm fairly certain my idea of a good time would be far different from hers. Even if we just ended up sitting inside talking I would be miserable, and anyone reading this knows why--it doesn't have to be something personal, I just can't seem to converse with people, even if I did know them once.

I haven't even SNAIL-MAILED poor Dianne in ages. :(

So...I guess the first move is up to D. and I have no clue what it'll be, and I'm kind of dreading it. I don't want to make it seem like I hate her (I'm fearful that, if she finds out I go online, she'll find my journal and see all this and feel terribly hurt, which I don't intend -_- ), because I don't, but she really hurt me in the past, and even discounting that, I don't see the two of us having fun together anymore. Why does she seem to keep thinking that she'd have a great time with me? Time and solitude have made me so utterly dull. Interesting society frowns on mythology-buff homebodies who do nothing but write.

One of the chipmunks was recently hit by a car and killed in the side road, on its way from collecting seeds from our porch. (I know this because oen of its cheeks was blasted open.) :( I placed its body under my tree because it just seems right--it didn't feel right burying it--and the next day it was gone, so I felt better that it had been returned to nature and had made a decent meal for some other animal. But then its body RETURNED A FEW DAYS LATER, on the other side of my tree, in a decidedly...less-than-edible state x_x ...so Dad and I were forced to bury it after all. I'm still very perplexed about that. What sort of corpse LEAVES and then RETURNS a few days later?? o_o And here I'd really hoped it would make a good meal for some hungry animal...*sigh*

I also saw two of the squirrels get in a fistfight, or else a sumo wrestling match, the other day. They squared off and everything. XD That was interesting.

WELL...I guess this entry is damn long enough. I haven't proofed it as that would take me even longer than typing it. Hope somebody found at least part of it semi-interesting.