08-03-07 @ 12:31 pm EDT

Ugh, I feel rather sickly today. -_- Maybe I have a fever from the horridly hot weather yesterday, or maybe it's lack of sleep. In any case I'm not really getting much done aside from reading and just sitting around randomly staring at things. *sigh* Well, I guess I should deserve to give myself a break once in a while, I can't be busy ALL the time. I don't know if I even have it in me to finish this journal entry...

Anyway...a little while back I had a psychiatrist appointment to review my meds as I'd asked. It was a different shrink, a guy whom I'd never met, so of course I was almost mute except when asked specific questions. To make it short, I got him to lower my Lexapro from 30mg a day to 20mg, though he said it'd be another three months before I'd meet again with Dr. K. (Psychiatrist) to review it again. *sigh* Wish they'd just let me go off the stuff. I hated the ending of the session, as he didn't get up or open the door or anything. >_< I need to be PROMPTED to do things like leave! This is the one thing I don't like about Psychologist--when she calls me into the little hallway to go to her office, I step inside and wait for her to take the lead, but she always gestures me to go first. I hate going first. >_< I'm a follower type. Well, this was like that only times ten, because I wasn't even sure if the session was really over. It was just like, we stopped talking, and just sat there, and that was it! There was this awkward silence, then I had to force myself to mumble, "So...can I go now?" because if I didn't speak up, I'd probably still be sitting there.

"If you want to!" he said cheerfully. But still didn't get up or open the door. >_<;;; So I had to do that myself. UGH! I'm not the type who thinks guys should always open doors for girls--in fact I think it's the person who gets to the door first who should hold it open, no matter who's following--but it really would've been nice for him to just get up or something. I need really clear cues or I have no idea what to do.

So that's how that went. I planned to go to Mackinac Island on Wednesday, only to notice that I had an appointment with Psychologist on Thursday, plus Wednesday and Thursday were HORRIBLY hot. So, no Mackinac Island. I do hope I can go soon...the trees seem to be dropping leaves already! :( Well, so I met Psychologist yesterday. She asked about the meds...ugh my mind is foggy...I said no noticeable difference yet...bla bla bla. We talked about various things. I actually had a specific issue I wished to discuss with her, an idea I came up with a while back and have been wanting to share but can't find anyone suitable to share it with, but never got the chance. *sigh* Maybe next time. But it's not to say the session was lousy. I talked a lot. She asked how things were online and I mentioned a new site I found where I can join different groups and share various likes, dislikes, and experiences I've had, similar to a journal site only more focused and group oriented; I had to explain this to her somewhat, and I found it interesting, I've been hanging out there a bit. It makes "journaling" in a way easier because I can write much shorter, more focused entries. That led to her asking how I journal in my regular journal and I told her how I mostly journal about my therapy sessions and then will add in any interesting things that might have happened recently, then I'll post this humongo entry and "not post again for a month!" because it takes like an hour and a half just to write the things, ha ha. Any feedback recently on my writing? I mentioned an e-mail someone reading a serial of mine sent begging for the next chapter. That led to her asking how long exactly my stories are (over 800,000 words and still going, in this case), and how I plot them out, do I know how it's going to end? (No in this case; yes in the case of the Manitou Island serials.) We talked some about the writing/plotting process since she didn't really understand how writers think and was curious to know; I mentioned how at times plot points just "fall into place" and seemingly by coincidence tie in with important events that happen later. "For example one day I thought, 'I think I'll kill off this character!'" I said, which made her laugh, "and even though I hadn't really planned it out, it turned out to help resolve something that came later in the plot, so it all worked out. It's almost like a matter of chance (or the subconscious, I almost said, but decided not to). It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's nice."

She asked if I'd had any "formal training" in any of this because I kept using phrases like "plothole" and "plot point." I looked puzzled; "formal training"? "Like do you have any journalism classes or creative writing classes under your belt...?" she asked. I racked my brain trying to think of any writing-related classes I'd had which might have taught me what I know now...and came up seriously wanting. The most useful such classes I had, honestly, were my English classes in junior high where I learned about grammar and sentence construction! I forgot to mention a journalism class I had in junior high, but that's all it was, journalism, like writing newspapers--not fiction. AH, I just remember I also forgot a writing class I had in my freshman year, that was a good class, but I did remember the English Composition and Creative Writing classes I had in college...and they weren't terribly useful because the first focused only on essays and in the second, "The teacher was a literary type, and I'm a popular fiction type, and we didn't really get along." (Seriously, why pick literary types to teach creative writing? I never met somebody who could quash creativity more! I wanna write stuff that people find entertaining, not Hemingway or some such crap!) I remembered but didn't mention a class I had in high school called "Fiction, Fantasy, & Fables," because while the name of the course was enticing, the teacher was not, and all in all it was a lousy experience. All in all though, I had to admit that no, I didn't really seem to get much out of any of the classes I'd had. Psychologist seemed amused by my puzzlement at finding any source of training--"So it certainly wasn't from school!" I'm really at a loss; while school and such taught me the mechanics of writing, and how to improve, the drive to write, and the ability, just seem to have "always been there." I don't know, maybe I give myself way too much credit. :/

Maybe I just picked it up unconsciously from my reading...? I do like to read articles and such about writing...I guess I seem to learn best that way, from books and magazines. *shrug*

I recall she asked me what kind of reader I am too, how fast I can read, if I can devour a book in two days. I used to read fast, but no longer. Truth to tell I'm always mystified when somebody says they finished Manitou Island or even one of my much-shorter novels in like a couple of days. How the hell do they DO that??

She asked if I had anybody else to "review" my writing (before I present it publicly, I assume)--like my family members? I adamantly shook my head, GOD no, by now I didn't even WANT them reading my stuff, because some of it has material I'd be uncomfortable with them seeing. She mentioned "violence, sex, relationships," and I nodded the entire time at nothing in specific, but that's the closest I've ever come to admitting to anyone in real life that I write erotica, ha ha! "So basically it's just you," she said, meaning that I'm my only copyeditor, proofreader, beta, whatever, and I nodded. While I can take other people online pointing out errors in my writing, by now I'm appalled at the idea of having somebody else proofread/beta my work. People actually rely on OTHERS to do that?? I would never rely on someone else to proofread something of mine. Of course, this is probably because it's really really hard to find people online with perfect grammar and spelling (not saying that mine are perfect, but, no bragging intended, I can find errors in almost anyone else's work), but still, the idea of beta readers mystifies me. I did mention how I often get lost in my labyrinthine plots though, and mused aloud that I should ask the person who e-mailed me if they could tell me what the hell's happening in my story? That made her laugh, even though I was only half joking, I have no idea where the hell I am!!

Anything happen since we'd last met? I mentioned the trip Ma and I took to Petoskey though I never got to mention that I paid for my own purchases, which would have been the whole point of me bringing it up, ha ha. Oh well. I told her I usually look for books and she asked if I went to Horizon and I said yes, and the Book Stop, which she recognized as the used books store; she asked what it was like in there and I described how it's very cramped and makes me rather anxious, whereas Horizon is bigger and more spacious and less anxiety provoking. Oh yes, I'd also gone to Indian Hills, and she'd never been there so she asked what it was like and I described it. What kind of books did I like to get? I mentioned the books I got on Great Lakes Indians, and the one on fairies and the one on mythical creatures; I decided not to mention the Freemasonry one as that was just odd, and I forgot to mention the Jung one and the one on dreaming, poo.

Had I visited the island yet? I said how I'd actually planned on going the previous day but how the plans had fallen through. This led to her first asking how comfortable I am when I'm over there (I'm perfectly fine if I'm on my own and don't have to interact with people, and here I described last year's horrid incident with the camera batteries and Surrey Hill Square >_< ), then asking about various parts of the island and I described them for her (the cemeteries and Ste. Anne's Church), and then she brought up a book called Michilimackinac which it turns out I own but have only browsed and never read. Nevertheless, I seemed to remember its events better than she did, as she asked about one of the main characters in the story, an Indian woman who falls in love with British fur trader Alexander Henry and toward the end of the story has her nose cut off by a jealous suitor and falls from Arch Rock. Was that a real story, she wanted to know? I think I slightly misunderstood and explained to her a legend pertaining to how Arch Rock was formed, involving a woman, and the legend of Lover's Leap, involving a woman jumping to her death, but how neither of these stories was exactly the same as that in the book. Turns out though that she wanted to know if this event had really happened and I informed her that no, that woman was in fact entirely of the author's creation and Alexander Henry had not fallen in love during the whole uprising incident. She was surprised to hear this. I further mentioned that Henry had kept a journal of the entire incident and this was now in the public domain online as well as published by the Parks Service, and she thought that sounded like it would be interesting to read. I'm pretty sure I could find it online somewhere for her if she knew how to use the Net well enough, I've come across it a few times. But no, while the writer did a lot of research and wrote moderately well, he did take some artistic license with that. (I just realized this morning that the name of the fictional woman, "Lotah," can't be an Ojibwa or Ottawa name as their alphabet doesn't have the letter L. :/ Hm.)

Well, this had resulted in a lot of talking, of course, and she finally had to shake herself out of her historical state of mind to end the session. She wanted to know if I wished to keep my old appointment with Dr. K. for September or reschedule it for three months as the guy shrink had said? I preferred to keep the original date and she agreed. I forgot that near the beginning of the session she was very contrite about having me meet with the guy psychiatrist--"I was just so eager to get you in to get your meds reviewed that I completely forgot--you've never met with Dr. B.!" She asked if that had made me anxious and I admitted that it had, but I'd managed to get through to him that I wanted my meds lowered, so, mission accomplished. Still, she apologized profusely and asked for my forgiveness, and I had to tell her several times that I wasn't mad, I just figured that was the way things were done around here! God knows I've been through weirder things since starting therapy.

If there was more then bla bla bla, you get the gist, we just talked an awful lot. She did ask a few perfunctory questions toward the end such as how my anxiety and depression were, any suicidal thoughts, stuff like that, then wished me luck in getting to the island before our next session and I left. I didn't get to bring up the issue I'd wanted to discuss but at least I left in a good mood. Looking back on all we discussed, it looks like just a jumble of unrelated stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with therapy, but it just feels nice to talk to somebody now and then without having them get bored or tell me to shut up.

The tree that has been leaning, broken but still alive, in the woods, fell at some point before the session, though I didn't hear it at all. Which is really strange because it's right beside the house and I sleep with my window open! It fell toward our house (I'd been wondering which way it would fall), and was just tall enough to take out some of the saplings that form a sort of visual barrier between us and the neighbors, just missing our old picnic table which Dad had taken out of the garage. Surely the saplings, poor things, dampened the sound it must have made, but still, I can't believe I didn't hear a thing. It must have made a horrible rustling, at the very least. I touched the very top leaves of this tree, imagining how they'd once been the highest leaves in the sky, and cried a little, then snipped off the topmost twig to keep somehow, and offered the spirits of the tree and the saplings it took down the chance to stay with my little pine tree and the rabbit and snake and chipmunk that are already possibly keeping it company. Wow, my pine tree will never be lonely if all these spirits decide to stay with it! O_o Then I said I hoped it made it to the Spirit Land safely if it decided to go that way instead. I don't know how this all works or how strongly I believe in it, I just do it just in case. I'd hate it if something's spirit gets lost and lonely because nobody bothered paying any attention to it. Better to assume it has one and be wrong than otherwise.

Lately the large locustlike grasshoppers in the yard have taken to rising into the air like little helicopters, making ft-ft-ft-ft noises like sprinklers, hovering there for a moment, then sinking again. I find this highly amusing. I wonder if they're trying to fly against the wind, or are playing, or are just rising into the air to say hi to me as I sit inside reading. *LMAO*

I got a nice folding director's-style chair to more easily keep an eye on Coz as he wanders around the yard doing his thing, so every morning I go out and sit in this chair for a while though I do have to still get up frequently to shoo off the chipmunks that he insists on stalking.

Still rewriting Lucifer. Psychologist made a funny comment about this in session, "So, are you still drawing, writing, rewriting, re-rewriting, rewriting the rewrites of the rewrites...?" ^_^;; I hope I'm not THAT anal!

I just got an e-mail from somebody who noticed my Mackinac Island pics at Flickr (Yahoo! Photos decided to shut down RIGHT after revamping, thanks a bunch, Yahoo! Photos), where I've been reuploading the ones I've put in frames (the same pics as at DA, since I haven't the patience to do EVERY photo anymore), and he says he's started a new Mackinac Island site with photos from Flickr members, and he invited me to participate. Sounds interesting; I'll have to look into it. (Ah, ANOTHER thing Psychologist and I briefly discussed, the fame of Mackinac Island and the Mackinac Bridge and how I felt they weren't enough, though the bridge is going to be featured on Dirty Jobs next week, I believe.)

Maury Povich is doing more DNA testing! Woohah! Talk about finding the thing that people like and latching onto it for all you're worth! I've never been good at that, obviously. *blush*

Bah, I made a batch of tea that's too weak. How irksome.

Anyway, I think I've typed enough. That issue I wish to discuss, maybe I'll do that in my next entry since this one's long enough. It's kind of a weird idea concerning my writing and its purpose in the world...probably just a bunch of hoohah but I don't know...just something I've been mulling over. I do wish I had another person with beliefs similar to mine to discuss it with though.

Lady on Maury: "I'm not 100% sure he's the father, I'm one BILLION percent sure!" I take it nobody on that show comprehends math.

Well, I'm still hanging out at DA a lot and stuff, and lurking at WDC, so you know where to find me.