09-04-07 @ 12:29 pm EDT

Okay, so, I've been off my meds for, four days now, I think.

It wasn't intentional, but I DO NOT want to go back on them. The way I see it--well, I'm getting ahead of myself, sorry.

See, it was my bad memory combined with the Labor Day weekend and the pharmacy being closed; I kept forgetting to have Ma call it in to be refilled. I'm actually not out of clonazepam, but I figured, I won't take one without the other. And since I was out of Lexapro I didn't take either. And it's been four days now.

I'm finding the results vaguely interesting at the moment. I've been getting hot and sweating a lot, and having quite vivid dreams, and having appetite and sleep changes for the past few days. For two days I wasn't hungry, then yesterday I was ravenous. Yesterday I stayed up all day and I guess irritated my parents so much that they BOTH want me back on the meds. I find that frustrating because while I realize yesterday I was kind of...manic...the exact REASON why I was put on these frigging drugs in the first place was to boost my confidence and EASE MY DEPRESSION. Go figure that when I'm "up" for a day, my parents find it irritating--well, would they prefer me to be crying my eyes out again?! I tried telling Ma I did not want to go back on the meds because it seems foolish to go off, then go back on, just to go off again, like I've been PLANNING to do (taper off with Psychiatrist's supervision...I think a fur-covered car just passed by O_o ). Even more than quitting cold turkey (which I honestly did not intend to do!) I hate the thought of on and off and on and off--that can't be any good either. So I TRIED asking her not to refill my meds and she snapped at me that, like usual, I was trying to start an argument just because she was getting ready for work. Um, Ma, I can't help it that the only time I have to discuss this with you is IN THE MORNING, before work. And why, just because I wish to make my opinion known and take charge of my own therapy like people have been TELLING ME TO DO, must I be "starting an argument"?? Do my parents want me to be confident and outspoken only when it suits them? Because that's the impression I'm getting. Yeah I was...weird...yesterday, but if that's a side effect, and I don't even know for sure, it's bound to be temporary. It was nice yesterday, both parents were going to be home, I didn't feel like going to bed! Today's different, I've already taken my sleeping pill (too early--cripes my mind is missing), it's rainy, I'm alone, and I'm going to go to bed like normal. Cripes, one hyperactive day and they want me medicated. I wonder if they liked me better depressed.

That thought depresses me. -_-

Anyway...Ma didn't listen and left for work, so, I called Lawyer to give him some info he'd written me about and we hadn't gotten back to him on yet, and I called to reschedule my appointment with Psychologist because she'd had to cancel, THEN called Ma and said, "I called Lawyer, and I called Psychologist to reschedule, so can you PLEASE lay off my meds now??" She was still reluctant--she wants us to talk with Psychiatrist first. I realize that's sensible, but again, I don't want to go back on only to taper back off. This must wreak havoc with my chemistry. I think it already is! GOD I'm hot. >_<;; And I realized that while I was talking to Ma on the phone my voice was going a hundred miles an hour. This is weird because hypomania(?) isn't described as a withdrawal symptom! Anyway, I said I understand, but I'd rather speak with Psychiatrist about STAYING off the meds, instead of on-off-on-off like she's suggesting. I've already been off four days and seem to be exhibiting...SOME sort of symptoms...so I say, the process is already started, why stop it??

I just really, really, REALLY hope there isn't going to be some sort of crash at the end. I'm hot, talking fast, distracted, dreaming a lot, and if that doesn't sound like mania I don't know what does. It isn't even good mania like I had back when I was writing a bunch of Kemet novellas, boo. I sit down and want to do something then don't feel like doing it. After I got off the phone I first rapped my hand against the wall repeatedly, then went to the couch and buried my head in a pillow, I felt so flustered and embarrassed. GOD I hate phones. Where was I? Anyway. I really hope I don't plunge back into depression whenever this starts to wear off. I looked up the symptoms and everything I'm going through, aside from this...whatever it is...fits, but you know how it is with meds, just about ANYTHING can be listed as a withdrawal symptom, I can say, "Hey, my feet are turning blue! That's the Lexapro!" and they'll have to list it on their site with the side effects. But people kept mentioning things called "brain zaps" which I don't THINK I've had so far and hope I don't, and it just seems logical that if I'm all manic now then I'm bound to get depressed afterward. Ugh I hope not. Whoever reads this will keep an eye on my sites to see if I'm going all weird, won't you? I hate asking people on the Internet, especially with my poor track record of making friends and reciprocating, but it's not like my parents are terribly supportive, and I hardly want to call my therapists and tell them hi, I'm being noncompliant now! Because yes, I admit, I am going to be noncompliant if I can help it. I do not want to be dependent on meds which did nothing but make me gain weight anyway.

I can't remember what I was writing about. Anyway. Hopefully the therapists won't be too mad at me when they find out. And I really really hope I don't crash. I probably wouldn't post about it in Skew if I do...I'd probably drop hints somewhere else, like at DA or another site I'm on but am kind of keeping secret, sorry. For some reason I just hate being direct when I'm feeling lousy. That's pretty stupid, maybe I need to work on that next, I mean, here I am typing this up with no problem. I'm missing all the stupid drama on Maury, poo. Somebody sounds psycho on there.

Since I've been off the meds I've called my ISP to call them out on cheating us out of monthly time (I was right), called Lawyer to give him info and ask for records he failed to send me (spoke to his secretary actually), and called to reschedule with Psychologist. GO ME. And felt like an idiot the entire time. HATE PHONES.

I'd better save and post this before I lose it. And check the mail, I see the car went by. I do hope some of my books come soon. I can't remember if I had anything else to say. I'm getting tired of typing this and no it's not proofed, tar.

I feel like I forgot something, crud.

Oh yeah! Those people listing all the horrible withdrawal symptoms had TAPERED OFF, not quit cold turkey. So what's the dif?? Okay, now tar. I'm sounding illogical like usual. Oh. My hamster died. RIP little Invisible Hamster.