11-02-07 @ 12:49 pm EDT

I'm actually coming to dislike writing journal entries because they take so long, my thoughts are always so scattered, not to mention that LJ takes so damn long to load. I used to really like LJ, and I still use it for my site-related journals. But it's just so tedious. I haven't even read anyone else's journal in ages because it's so tedious merely to log in. As far as I can tell the problem started around when LJ changed their default site scheme to Horizon. It was vaguely okay as when logged in I could change the scheme to Xcolibur, but they did away with Xcolibur for some reason, and I dread logging out and logging back in to one of my other LJs as Horizon is the default when logged out and I have to wait like 5-10 minutes just for the login page to load, then if I try logging in it says the login page has expired! >_< I tried opening a support ticket to tell them this but nothing's been done and I doubt anything will. I'm probably the only one having this problem. It's not my browser unless IE6 has a problem with Horizon! (In which case, IMO, the problem is the site scheme.)

Anyway, I had an appointment with Psychologist quite a while back but didn't write about it for the reasons above, not that it was very interesting, we had to spend most of the time doing a yearly review anyway and afterward I told her about the raccoon and the tree. Then this past Monday I had an appointment with Psychiatrist which was very short and just consisted of her seeming to hint that I should try another med, me deflecting that (I'm sick and tired of meds, I think the Lexapro or clonazepam messed up my digestion--I've been feeling sick almost constantly for weeks now, heartburn, nausea, bathroom issues, etc. etc., just the thought of having to eat fills me with dread sometimes because I know I'll feel sick the rest of the day), then her asking the basic things, am I hearing voices, am I paranoid, etc. etc. I think the wait for me to see her was actually longer than the appointment itself.

Yesterday Ma and I had to go to Petoskey to finally meet with Lawyer. You see, SSA finally scheduled my appeal hearing for November 14, and a flurry of papers followed, and we had to meet Lawyer so he could explain how it will all go. The hearing is in Traverse City (over two hours away) at like 8:30 in the morning. Ugh. -_- In a hotel! Anyway, neither Ma nor I had ever seen Lawyer before though she thought she'd seen a picture of him. She thought he would be fat and balding with a mustache. I thought he would be fat and bald with no mustache and a business suit, imposing and not too friendly. Then again I figured he'd be working in some posh place when it turns out it looked just like a regular little house and in fact I think there were TWO separate lawyers working out of it. The lobby/waiting room was very small and crowded with bookshelves filled with law books, and there were other little rooms open to it with the secretary(s) doing things; I was shown to the bathroom and it had CLOTHES hanging in it!! O_O And magazines stacked all over the floor...but CLOTHES! All hanging on this hanger thing! How bizarre! I felt terribly strange using a bathroom with clothes hanging in it! Anyway, after a bit Lawyer finally came out and he wasn't what either of us expected--he was tall, thin, older (I figured) but with no mustache and with glasses, no business suit, and very talkative and sociable. He asked to have a few more minutes to get ready while Ma drank coffee; I was offered pop but Ma said I don't drink it, to which he said, "Good! Well, I don't mean good, but good for you!" Then we went into his office, which had this black glittery table (he talked to Ma about how it keeps drinks hot or something, I dunno) and a few chairs, and sat down to look over my paperwork.

Basically he just went over what to expect at the hearing, and asked me questions about my conditions. Again the focus seems to be mostly on the OCD and depression, which I constantly find odd. Social anxiety is my problem. Sure, the OCD is intrusive, but I puzzle over why it's brought up so much? As I tried explaining when he asked about it, most of it I'm just so used to that I never even think about it. Ma had to describe some of what I do because I can never remember it. He did go over some of the problems I have interacting with people though, and thankfully Ma brought up the museum incident (see "Tehuti Needs To Learn To Pay Attention. :)" from September 2002) to show how crappy I am with working with other people. Lawyer was thrilled to learn I've never had a job, ha ha, so that's one section the judge won't have to linger over. He said that the SSA judges like to go over two things--one was job history, I can't recall the other, but then he added that the judges like this one who come from Illinois (my case had to be shuttled out of state or they'd never get around to it) seem to be fascinated with prescription meds--"I bet that on judge picnics, if they have picnics, all they talk about is medication." When I mentioned the side effects I seem to be having since going off the medications he wrote this down and said, "Ooh, the judge will be fascinated by that." He also mentioned the building where SSA stores evidence and old files--"You remember in Indiana Jones where they store the Ark, and there are just those boxes and boxes that go on forever?--well, it looks like that." He said that so far things seem to be in my favor since from what he knows of this judge he's a decent person who likes to get things done quickly, I probably won't have a vocational expert present since I've never had a job, and I haven't acted noncompliantly according to SSA's standards (which would be if I was told, "Here's a med that can help you get better" and I'd say, "I know that, but I won't take it!"...I've tried meds, and they haven't worked well or had bad side effects, so I stopped). Unfortunately it won't be retroactive to the date of "onset" should I win, only to the date when I first applied, back in late 2005. Shows how much my grandmother ("You'll get a boatload of money!") knows.

Okay, now, this just proves how averse I am to writing these entries, since I wrote the above TWO DAYS AGO. >_< I think I started this on Wednesday, and now it's Friday. Ugh.

Anyway...talked with Lawyer a lot...he took lots of notes...then said he'd type up a letter to send to the judge and he wanted me to proof it and make sure it was correct and he'd send it out. Drat it, we have that letter now and I forgot to proof it. I do know he spelled my psychologist's name wrong. I do hope we can get it out on Monday, or perhaps tomorrow, seeing as my hearing is the 14th. -_- I just can't stop worrying about it all. I never did get to ask him what happens if I lose? Sure he wants me to win since he won't get paid otherwise, but why keep a client who's such a loser?

Well, afterward Ma and I went to eat at the Flatiron (sic?) Deli, which has annoying seating but really fantastic food, then we wanted to shop around. The Flatiron is situated right by Pennsylvania Park (I never knew its name before, but you can find photos of it somewhere in my DeviantArt gallery, under the "Petoskey Park" titles), and we discovered a map there, so I went walking off to Horizon Books while Ma went to Ben Franklin's. Then I tried finding McLean & Eakin Booksellers according to the map but I think the stupid thing was wrong since I DID head off in the wrong direction, but according to the map I shouldn't have ended up where I did end up! Fortunately there was another map where I ended up which helped me discover my error and I just went back to Pennsylvania Park and waited for Ma to show up. STUPID-ASS MAP. I take note of these names, BTW, in case I ever wish to use them in a future Manitou Island serial, seeing as there's so little action in Charmian's hometown and I like using real names like I'm in the know. Anyway, I got Dorr & Eschman's Geology Of Michigan, Inserra's Dreams: The Dictionary, Johnson's Angels In The Architecture (about an insane asylum that used to be in Traverse City), Danziger's The Chippewas Of Lake Superior, Amar's The Bedside Dream Dictionary (to paraphrase Jung, "First, read all you can on symbolism. Then, forget everything you've read"), and Time Warner Books' Cannibals & Evil Cult Killers, plus a couple of basic anatomy drawing books...wish I could find a really decent anatomy drawing book, since I have great trouble with some poses. Oh well. I'm looking for Manitou & God, a new book which Amazon recommended to me, but didn't see it anywhere; it's kind of pricey and seems a bit hard to find since even at Amazon it's got a shipping time of 4-6 weeks. I guess I'll have to order it at the bookstore someday.

Hooray! Two books I've been waiting for on eBay, Tooker's Native North American Spirituality Of The Eastern Woodlands and Densmore's Chippewa Music (two volumes in one!), arrived safely today! *dance* Densmore's book looks so huge and juicy...I wish I could read faster.

I'm still taking notes on Manitou Island so I can eventually catch up with myself and start new writing, and still working on the 100 Picture Challenge. Yesterday I sketched the picture for "Childhood," entitled "Children, Not Puppies," and Red Bird looks so funny in it. It's my first non-portrait of her, so I'm glad it turned out (so far).

I got an e-mail a while back which informed me that online books are popular among...tech support operators. Seeing as they have so little to do between phone calls. The writer told me that Manitou Island and RTMI are especially popular and that "twenty or so people" have read or are reading them. Well...that certainly wasn't the audience I ever had in mind. :/ But I guess it's something, to distract bored tech support people when they have nothing to do. I did wish to entertain people, right? I do hope that means there are a lot of other bored people out there, more into the subject matter, who enjoy it. I'm trying to clean up the site a bit more because of that, even though it's still not terribly popular. (I can see pagehits.) I'd love to upgrade it to the cheapest paid plan that GeoCities has, which would give me 500mb--more than enough to keep on posting the stories--but I don't know if they take money orders. If anybody knows anything about paid GeoCities sites, let me know. I don't plan to buy a domain name or do anything fancy with the HTML, I just want more space and fewer "bandwidth exceeded" shutdowns.

I've grown to really like Within Temptation. They're kind of like Evanescence, only much better. (I hated Evanescence's last CD.) I do not recommend their CD Enter, unless you want to laugh at how utterly bad it is. But I do highly recommend Mother Earth ("Our Farewell" is gorgeous--I dreamed I was singing it last night and my voice was WONDERFUL), and highly highly recommend The Heart Of Everything. I know they have at least one other CD, The Silent Force, but I haven't found it. Guess I'll have to look.

ASIN: B000092RAC Mother Earth Product Type: Music List Price: $ 11.98 Amazon's Price: $ 10.99 You Save: $ 0.99 [Buy Now!]

ASIN: B000ROALIU The Heart of Everything Product Type: Music List Price: $ 11.98 Amazon's Price: $ 9.99 You Save: $ 1.99 [Buy Now!]

(There are numerous other versions of Mother Earth out there but I just got the one that was available on eBay. Mine includes "World Of Make Believe," but doesn't include "Restless," "Bittersweet," "Enter," or "Dance." Amazon doesn't seem to have my version. Cripes, how many versions can there be of one farking CD??)

("Stand My Ground" is one of Charmian's themes! Another one is Pat McGee Band's "Now." *dance*)

I'm rather sad to find that an Ojibwa language message board I used now and then, and the whole site with it, seems to be gone. :( I did go to use the Ojibwa language Yahoo! Group I know of, but it's not as active and I always feel like walking on eggshells when I visit. (Recall the stupid-ass Ojibwa group at MSN? I was right in thinking the webmistress was prejudiced--they opened the site back up to the public a while after I was banned (so, what was so "secret" about it if it's okay for the whole world to see it now??--I can be gathering info for a book and they'd never know it, oooooo scary!), and she and another member got into this Ojibwa-language argument with each other (I honestly couldn't understand it), and then the webmistress, in English, said something to the effect of, "I can't believe you'd take this non-Ojibwa's word over that of your own people!" *rolls eyes* Bigot.) My most recent question is if there's a traditional name for transsexuals--a man who acts as a woman, or a woman who acts as a man (because I plan to have one of the former in a future story and I wanted a good native term--I have no clue if "Two Spirits" is anywhere near accurate)--so you can see why I'm hesitant to check for an answer (if I even got one). I also long ago asked for the translations for the names "Bear Woman" and "Red Swan" and was given them but neglected to write them down so will have to ask again as those are important names in EFMI...so is "Spider Woman," as I recall...*sigh* I just wish I had an Ojibwa expert on call! I would have so many annoying questions, and not just about the language, either. In the group, someone said it's a shame that more people don't want to learn the language, but when you get to asking lots of questions like I do, it's seen as irritating. So there's no real way to win. I know I'll never speak a second language. But I would love to learn more about Ojibwa. I find it interesting, to learn the meanings of phrases and words, and to see how they match up with other words and spellings. I'm perpetually fascinated that the name of my own hometown, Cheboygan, can mean either "The Passing-Through Place" (something like "zhaabwii-ganing") or "Big Pipe" ((git)chi-opwaagan). Isn't that interesting?? (Oddly, the people who are most fluent in Ojibwa in that group aren't native Ojibwa, at least as far as I can tell. Hm.)

I even had a dream a long time back in which a young man spoke to me entirely in Ojibwa and he was surprised that I didn't understand him. When I asked for a translation, he said something like, "We all fly off in different directions [this part possibly influenced by a book on the Ojibwa entitled We Look In All Directions], but as long as the weather is fair and our step is true, we eventually all come back to the same place." Dreams are supposed to mean something, right? They held great importance in traditional Ojibwa culture. You were seen as a nobody if you never had an important dream/vision. I don't know how much they're trusted nowadays, but the dream, as well as a later dream in which I ate dinner at an Ojibwa family's house, and one in which there had once been a Mide lodge located in the area of my living room, left an impact on me. *sigh*

Well, I'm up all day today for we have to go shopping tonight.